This versus That. And That always wins

Sometimes in life we have to make choices. I learned that I can't do everything, no matter how hard I try, and that I have to prioritize. And, for lack of a more sophisticated word, it SUCKS.

When I was a senior in high school, I chose music over volleyball. I didn't bother contacting coaches who sent me letters...I was kind of tired of volleyball. I'd been playing since I was nine, and it was my life; it took up almost every weekend and many weeknights. I just didn't LOVE it like I used to.

So, I found something else I loved: music (singing, specifically).
I took voice lessons, and I entered competitions, and I was lucky enough to sing with some of the most amazing vocalists in Virginia in All State Choir, and I felt like I had found my niche.

I actually wanted to be a music major. When I visited my first college, I met with the dean of the music department and sat in on a music class. Those were my intentions.

But I missed volleyball.

So, in college, that's what I chose. Because truly, you can't do both. Well...you can't do both WELL.
For four years, I practiced...lifted...ran...practiced...played...coached.

And I abandoned music. Well, not entirely; sometimes I'd sneak into practice rooms and try to remember how to play "Boston" by Augustana, imagining it in my head and replicating it on the keys.
Sometimes I'd resurrect "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin and then get frustrated because my fingers tripped over each other like spiders on rollerskates.

One time, I had the guts to play/sing at an open mic night. But, like, three people were there. So, I started thinking that maybe...just maybe...I'm not really all THAT great at music, and I should just leave it in the past.

But lately, I'm feeling empty. The other day, I looked up some vocal warmups on YouTube.

Confession #1: I love making covers of songs. And I love combining songs (making "mash ups," like they do in Pitch Perfect  and "Glee").
Confession #2: Playing by ear is my jam. It's a challenge. How can I replicate what I just heard? How can I change it to make it sound edgier or smoother or sweeter?
Confession #3: I feel stupid writing this all out. I feel whiney and emo and braggy, all at the same time. I don't mean to sound that way.
Confession #4: I'm afraid. I don't know why. I just am.

I just don't quite know how to come to terms with the fact that I can't do, or be, everything. I get that "everyone gets 24 hours in a day" and "we all choose to do what's important to us."

But what if a LOT of things are important to me and I just can't decide what I want to do most?? Then what?

I don't have the answer, but I do know this: my soul needs music, like snowflakes need a place to land and coffee needs cream and sugar.