I could start by sharing all the things that have made me cry:
*Diving after a volleyball because, "I shouldn't be able to dive; I'm supposed to be pregnant right now."
*Brushing my teeth without gagging or throwing up because, again, it's a reminder that I have no more morning sickness, no more heartburn, no more nausea...because I'm not pregnant anymore.
*Seeing a young mom play with her baby at Target, tickling tiny toes to keep the sweet little one from fussing too much
*The phone call from a former player, who was sobbing so hard I truly could barely understand her. When she told me I would've been a "kick ass mom," I lost my composure and started sobbing along with her.
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| "We brought you Olaf. Because he makes everyone smile." - Former volleyball players |
I could start by sharing all the things that have brought peace and comfort:
*Every Facebook message or text or conversation where some of YOU reached out to me and said, "You're not alone. I've been there too. I am so, so sorry."
*Every hug, even from those of you I don't know well, or those who are not huggers. Thank you.
* Every card, Edible Arrangement, bouquet of flowers, gift card, or other gift.
*Sponsoring a Compassion child whose birthday is March 10th, Lila's due date.
*Teaching. Being with my students all day gives me a sense of purpose and makes me feel like I am doing something good in the world.
* Attending a memorial service for all the babies who were lost within the past couple of months.
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| Thank you, Bliley Funeral Home, for honoring our babies with a beautiful ceremony. |
I could start by sharing facts and statistics about miscarriage, ones I didn't know until I went through it.
*Approximately one in FOUR pregnancies end in loss. One in four, y'all. I am not alone, and that makes me so sad. I hate that this is so common.
*About half of early miscarriages are genetic. Something was wrong with the baby, and he/she would not have survived, so our bodies know this and miscarry.
* Some miscarriages are hormonal. Others are due to infection/illness. Still others are anatomical.
*Most women with one or two losses will go on to have a normal, healthy pregnancy and carry a baby full term.
* Being tested to find out WHY we miscarry usually isn't done until after the third miscarriage.
I don't really know where to start, though. My thoughts are too jumbled to sort into a cohesive and organized post. So I'll just copy and paste something I wrote for myself last week:
Sometimes you think you're fine and then you burst into tears because you can dive after a volleyball...and you shouldn't be able to because you SHOULD be 18 weeks pregnant but you're not... and you have to remind yourself that it is ok to cry, that crying isn't weak, and that it's ok to still feel sad for the baby you lost over a month ago,
Sometimes you see a pregnant woman and you smile because you're happy that there is new life in the world. But sometimes you're angry because it's unfair that it's not you. But sometimes you're also sad because you think, "That should be me." And other times, you don't know what to think or feel because you're a little numb.
Sometimes you go to your baby's grave without telling anyone. You just go alone, your black flats crunching disrespectfully on the gravel road edged by flowers upon flowers upon flowers--some fake and some real but all blossoming with love--, all adorning unmarked graves that hold tiny babies. You know that inside those graves are little white caskets, some with three or four babies in them because the babies were small.
Your baby's grave is still piled high with angry red dirt, but sometimes, if you feel up to it, you examine other graves, ones flat as a pancake and covered with scraggly crab grass. A giraffe lies on its side, pink and dusty. An orange toy car is parked next to a blue pinwheel that isn't moving because the air is so still it feels like time is frozen.
Sometimes you think you're ready to try again. And sometimes you know you're not because you're terrified. What if you miscarry again? What if people think you're trying to replace the first baby you lost? What if you have trouble getting pregnant this time?
Today, October 15, 2015, my heart goes out to all of you mamas and daddies who have lost a baby. We will remember them wishing we could hold them and watch them grow up and longing for the day we will meet them in heaven. To all the sweet babies we have lost, to my own Lila Grace- we love you.
