As an English major and a writer, I know this. Words have the power to create marriages and peace treaties. They also have the power to destroy lives and start wars. They are nuanced and sometimes complicated and sometimes beautiful, and I've always known they were incredibly significant and powerful.
Despite this knowledge, I'm sometimes quite careless with my words. They tumble sarcastically out of my mouth. They build a mountain of gossip because I want to fit in. They attack the driver of the minivan who just cut me off on the interstate because DON'T YOU KNOW THAT BLINKERS ARE THERE FOR A REASON?
My mom used to tell me that it was never my actions that got me in trouble-- it was my words (and sometimes facial expressions; I could destroy nations with my eye roll). There's a reason that the Bible says we can't tame our tongues, and I used to use that as an excuse to say whatever I wanted.
Then I had my daughter.
My fiercely independent little girl.
This little girl understands so much of what I say. She's 16 months old, and I can tell her to put her books away, and she (usually) does it. If I say, "food," "snack," "hungry," "dinner," "breakfast," or "lunch," she immediately points to her mouth and starts violently signing "PLEASE!" in sign language. If I say, "Sit on your bottom so we can put on your shoes," she sits and sticks her foot up in the air.
She may not be saying a whole lot right now, but she sure is listening.
She understands words.
That means that what I say in front of her matters. How I say it matters. Even more than ever.
Because my words will become her inner voice.
Those words will help shape how she views herself and the world. What an ENORMOUS, sobering responsibility; it makes me want to duct tape my mouth shut right now and seal it with super glue. Truly, it's intimidating to think that everything I say in front of her shapes her as a person.
Despite how hard I try to be cautious and thoughtful with what I say, I'm so far from perfect that it is painful and embarrassing.
I yell at her sometimes. I start sentences off with a sassy, "Girrrrrrrllll." I've let a not-so-savory word or two slip in front of her before. That's just the tip of the iceberg, y'all.
But I am conscious of my words and tone around her, and that's a start.
I try to tell her things I know will build her confidence and enhance her emotional health. Kids believe everything we tell them. Why not use that to our advantage by telling our kids they are kind, gentle, capable, good at solving problems, hardworking, funny people? They'll believe us and it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I believe this is especially important with girls, whose self-esteem peaks at nine years old.
These are some that I've told her recently:
When she brushed her own teeth: "You did it!" <-- my go-to instead of saying "Good job" or "good girl"
When she finally figured out how to successfully buckle her carseat straps without my help: "You are such a good problem solver. When you keep trying, there's nothing you can't figure out!"
When I told her to stop climbing the stairs and she listened: "Thank you for being a good listener."
When I was putting her down for naptime: "I'm so glad God made me your mom."
When we were at the library and she was sharing toys with a little boy: "You're such a good friend to others. You're so kind to people."
When she threw herself backwards screaming because I told her not to touch the stove: "It's hard to be told no, isn't it? It really stinks."
When we were at swimming lessons and she did literally propel herself halfway across the pool to me with her chubby legs: "Wow, look how far you swam! Your body is so strong!"
All the time: "I love you and I like you." <-- the "I like you" portion is crucial.
I'm not going to lie-- sometimes it's hard to think of positive things to say. I feel silly saying some of the things above. Or maybe it was a rough day and all I really want to do is just pee by myself and drink my coffee hot and maybe not deal with 17 different temper tantrums.
When that happens, I keep the following in mind:
"[T]here is a ratio of 5:1 positive feelings and interactions for every one negative feeling and interaction. If this ratio is closer to 1:1 or, worse, 1:5, then the relationship is likely will be unhealthy and even toxic. Researchers have found this same “magic ratio” present in other healthy, positive relationships as well such as teams at work, friendships, and classrooms" (APA Center).
So, I force my pessimistic, snarky self to be verbalize positivity.
And you know what?
It doesn't just benefit my daughter. It benefits me to verbalize affirmations or reframe challenging moments in my own mind. I find myself talking more positively in my OWN mind because I think, Would I want my daughter to talk to herself this way? To beat herself up for forgetting to pay a bill? To criticize her stretch marks? To lack confidence?
And of course, the answer is a resounding no.
What I say matters-- to others, to myself, and most especially to my sweet girl.
