This versus That. And That always wins

Sometimes in life we have to make choices. I learned that I can't do everything, no matter how hard I try, and that I have to prioritize. And, for lack of a more sophisticated word, it SUCKS.

When I was a senior in high school, I chose music over volleyball. I didn't bother contacting coaches who sent me letters...I was kind of tired of volleyball. I'd been playing since I was nine, and it was my life; it took up almost every weekend and many weeknights. I just didn't LOVE it like I used to.

So, I found something else I loved: music (singing, specifically).
I took voice lessons, and I entered competitions, and I was lucky enough to sing with some of the most amazing vocalists in Virginia in All State Choir, and I felt like I had found my niche.

I actually wanted to be a music major. When I visited my first college, I met with the dean of the music department and sat in on a music class. Those were my intentions.

But I missed volleyball.

So, in college, that's what I chose. Because truly, you can't do both. Well...you can't do both WELL.
For four years, I practiced...lifted...ran...practiced...played...coached.

And I abandoned music. Well, not entirely; sometimes I'd sneak into practice rooms and try to remember how to play "Boston" by Augustana, imagining it in my head and replicating it on the keys.
Sometimes I'd resurrect "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin and then get frustrated because my fingers tripped over each other like spiders on rollerskates.

One time, I had the guts to play/sing at an open mic night. But, like, three people were there. So, I started thinking that maybe...just maybe...I'm not really all THAT great at music, and I should just leave it in the past.

But lately, I'm feeling empty. The other day, I looked up some vocal warmups on YouTube.

Confession #1: I love making covers of songs. And I love combining songs (making "mash ups," like they do in Pitch Perfect  and "Glee").
Confession #2: Playing by ear is my jam. It's a challenge. How can I replicate what I just heard? How can I change it to make it sound edgier or smoother or sweeter?
Confession #3: I feel stupid writing this all out. I feel whiney and emo and braggy, all at the same time. I don't mean to sound that way.
Confession #4: I'm afraid. I don't know why. I just am.

I just don't quite know how to come to terms with the fact that I can't do, or be, everything. I get that "everyone gets 24 hours in a day" and "we all choose to do what's important to us."

But what if a LOT of things are important to me and I just can't decide what I want to do most?? Then what?

I don't have the answer, but I do know this: my soul needs music, like snowflakes need a place to land and coffee needs cream and sugar.

I AM CALM!!!!!!!!!!

I have always been a high needs person. My mom can tell you that, as a baby, I had to be driven around in a car in order to fall asleep. Difficulty sleeping, even as a baby, is an indicator of having high needs.

Other indicators:
Intense (check)
Demanding (check)
Unpredictable (check)

My husband can tell you that, even now, I'm still high needs. I neeeeeeed the temperature in the house to be at least 72, or else I'm miserable, bundled in my polka dot robe and fuzzy socks, complaining about my cold nose. I neeeeeeeeeed Jim and Pam on The Office to work out their marriage issues, or else I will cry myself to sleep on Thursday nights. Everything is MAGNIFIED TO ME. I have big feelings about little things and big things alike, and I am not, by nature, a calm person at.all.

This leads me to the crux of my post: apparently I'm starting to be calm. 

A few months ago, a coworker told me I "exude calm" and that my students pick up on it and are, therefore, more calm.

Most recently, though, was this conversation.

Student: So, this journal prompt about what I'd do if I were the principal...I can write anything?
Me: Yes; it's your journal.
Student: Well, in that case, I'm going to fire you!
Me: Ok, that's fine.
Student: Huh? [shocked] You ain't mad about that?
Me: Nope; it's your journal. You may write anything you wish.
Student: Gah, Mrs. Suders, HOW DO YOU STAY SO CALM?
Me: Well, I realized that when I let people upset me, they then have power over me. And I don't want others to have power over me; I want to be in control of myself and my own emotions.
Student: [with a snort] Well, you have a LOT of power over me, 'cause you make me really mad sometimes!!!
Me: It sounds like you feel frustrated.
Student: Yeah, I'm frustrated! You gave us ALL THIS WORK for our last semester of high school. This is TOO MUCH.
Me: So, it sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by my class right now.
Student: Yes! EXACTLY!!!! [pause...eyebrows furrow together in confusion] ...wait a second...you're still so chill right now.
Me: *shrug*

I think the first and foremost reason for this new "calmness" is a spiritual journey I've been on for a few years now where I've experienced the beauty of God's grace and forgiveness numerous times. Since He has bestowed it upon me, and I know I don't deserve it at all, I feel like I really have no right to hold anger or bitterness towards people in my life who would've previously upset me.

He has genuinely humbled me.
Not that false "I'm no good" humility, but a real, gut-wrenching, humility, where I've cried at the realization of how much He loves me and how overwhelming it is that a perfect God could extend just mercy and grace to me.
When I think about that, well...nothing else matters quite as much.
Nothing else is truly worth getting worked up over.

In conjunction with this spirtual journey is my outlook on discipline in general.
I am so thankful I have been led away from punitive measures of discipline and towards grace-based ones. This flows into my teaching and allows me to build relationships with students. It allows me to do the following:
a) Validate/reflect their feelings ("It's ok that you feel upset right now." "It sounds like you're angry about the amount of work you have to do today.")
b) Script them ("We don't say 'shut up' in this classroom; please try again.")
c) Guide them to more acceptable behaviors ("When someone makes us angry, sometimes we want to lash out at them or fight them. However, a better way to handle our anger is to ask to leave the room for a breather or talk to the teacher after class.")

I totally could not do ANY of that if I weren't relaxed and peaceful.
I'd end up saying stuff like, "WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING?! JUST DO THE WORK!"
and
"You have NO right to be angry! You're so lucky to get an education!" and other things that simply wouldn't be helpful to them.

Peace within can sometimes create peace without, but even if it doesn't, I can still maintain my peace in times of turmoil.

Effect #489 of being homeschooled

It's 11 p.m. on Saturday night, and a few hours ago, I got sucked into a marathon of The Walking Dead (that zombie show on AMC) while I was waiting to unload dishes. Now, I'm sitting on the couch watching episode 13 of season two and gingerly sipping the melted whipped cream off my hot cocoa (thanks, baby, for making that for me).

I'm about to confess something rather embarrassing. Please don't judge.

Recently, I realized that I had no idea what zombies were. I think I realized this when that guy in Florida did bath salts and ate someone's face off and people were claiming the zombie apocalypse had begun.

Thank you, homeschooling! You shielded me from 98 Degrees, belly shirts, and Boy Meets World. You taught me to play outside, forced me to teach myself grammar, and allowed me to ride Big Daddy Falls at Water Country five times in a row, because there are no lines in the middle of a school day :)

Oh, and you protected me from knowledge about important things. Like zombies.

Am I the only person in the world who didn't know what a zombie is? Please tell me I'm not. I just Googled it and found a really complicated Wikipedia page. Then I read a website that discussed how to survive a zombie attack, but that wasn't helpful. I don't know what a zombie IS. I'm frustrated.

Me: Gah, why can't I just find a simple explanation about zombies ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET ?
Husband: Maybe because the whole internet knows what a zombie is.

Vielen Dank

This week is School Counselor Recognition week.
Or something like that.
It's been hard asking my kids to take the time to write thank you notes to their counselors, but we had some extra time in a few of my classes today, so we did it.

A few of my kids felt like they couldn't write to their counselors (some of the counselors are new to the school). "That's ok," I told them. I've learned always to have a backup plan. "Write to an adult on campus who's positively influenced you. Please do not write to me. Please write to another teacher so I can put your note in his or her mailbox."

But, what do you know?

A couple of my sweet, sweet students decided to write to me. And it literally made my Tuesday.

Those students don't know their letters brought me to tears.

That I will keep their notes in a special folder, never to be thrown away. Never ever.

That, on the days when students are yelling at me because they didn't turn in work and they got a zero, on the days when students think it's ok to throw balled up paper across the room, on the days when students think it's ok to call me "bro" and refuse to take off their hats and headphones in class...on those days, I will pull out their thank you notes, and thank God that He has used me to positively impact even three or four of my kids.

That I am SO thankful for them. They keep my sane. They keep me in this profession. They are beautiful, sincere people who will make a lasting impact on the world. Their parents should be proud of them.

So today, if you can think of an adult (teacher, coach, parent, mentor, counselor) who impacted you positively... won't you take a minute to say a quick thank you?