All the Lasts

I was flipping through Katherine's baby book the other day-- well, let me be honest: she doesn't have a baby book. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with it. Instead, I bought a first-year calendar, complete with stickers like "First Steps" and "First Word." I then wrote in significant events like "First High School Basketball Game" or "First Poop-spolosion Diaper." You know, the important things.

The first year of your baby's life is full of tracking firsts. I was prepared for that.

I wasn't prepared for the intense emotion of all the "lasts," though.

Photo by Lindsey Martin Photography 

Last time in newborn sized diapers.
Last nap  in her baby swing.
Last night sleeping in our room in the Pack N' Play.
Last nursing session with a burp cloth on my shoulder or the Boppy pillow supporting her weight.
Last nap taken in mommy's bed with her.
Last car ride in the infant car seat.
Last time being able to sit through an entire church service.

Photo by Lindsey Martin Photography 

The thing about the "lasts" is that you don't always know they're "lasts." One minute you're sleeping downstairs in a recliner or on an air mattress with your baby in a bassinet so your husband can get a full night's sleep while you're on maternity leave. The next you're taking one-year cake smash pictures and trying to figure out HOW your baby is now so strong that it takes your entire body weight to smush them into their carseat and buckle them in.

Photo by Lindsey Martin Photography

The first year of motherhood, of course, flew by. Everyone said it would.

But, if I'm being honest, parts of it dragged. Like the times when I'd spend twenty minutes trying to get an angry, screaming, flailing baby to latch on to my bleeding nipples, tears streaming down both our faces. I totally understood why people gave up on breastfeeding in those moments.
Or the nights when I would pace the room bouncing her, literally counting my steps-- up to 100, then starting over-- numerous times. I totally understood why people let their babies cry it out.

Mothering her through firsts and lasts has both made me so much more confident in the type of parenting we're doing and so doubtful of my abilities as a mom. It's this strange, confusing paradox. And every time I think I've conquered something, Katherine does something new, and we're back to square one.

Realizing that the time flies and everything could be a "last" without me knowing it has helped me cherish the minutes, the events, and the mundane.

It's helped me find peace with letting her nap on my lap as I stare at the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink. I won't be able to hold her forever. Dishes will still be there.
It's helped me not stress about the fact that she's not walking or talking as much as other kids her own age. I mean, it is kind of sweet that she still crawls up to me and holds her hands out so I'll pick her up. Before I know it, she'll be running out the door and not giving me a second thought.

And I want to make these precious, sweet moments we're having last.

Toxic Teaching: Four Myths About Teaching

There are a billion other things about teaching I want to address in my blog-- grading practices, teachers' mental health, monetary waste in the public school system.

But I think it's time for my Toxic Teaching series to come to an end.

I'm going to wrap up this series by reflecting on some of the myths that I've found myself addressing either during my seven years in the classroom or during these past few months since I resigned from teaching.

Myth #1: Teachers shouldn't complain about their jobs. This seems to be a common and pervasive thought. Teachers gets holidays and summers off (let's not even get into the fact that teachers are really 10-month contract employees #rabbittrail). Therefore, people think we (and I say "we" because I am still a licensed teacher in my state) think we shouldn't voice our opinions about our low salaries, ridiculous hours, lack of respect from society, time wasted doing menial and pointless tasks, hours spent preparing our students for insane standardized tests-- the list goes on. 

Teachers complain because we want better. We know the system can be better. For us, for our kids, and for our communities. 

Myth #2: Bad teachers are impossible to get rid of. People seem to think once teachers have "tenure" (which actually isn't a thing in Virginia), they can never be fired. So, they complain about all these "bad" teachers who are "impossible to fire." 

This is simply inaccurate. While the process may be a long one, teachers can absolutely be fired. "Before being fired, teachers are provided with a notice of termination from the division superintendent, a hearing before an advisory fact-finding panel or the school board or both, and then a final decision by the school board. Virginia law says that teachers may be dismissed for incompetency, immorality, noncompliance with school laws and regulations, disability as shown by competent medical evidence, conviction of a felony or crime of moral turpitude, or other good and just cause." - Virginia Education Association

Myth #3: Any time students are off from school, teachers are, too. Let's talk about teacher "work days." Many times, teachers don't get to spend eight hours in their classrooms working-- you know, grading, lesson planning, collaborating with colleagues, contacting parents, organizing their rooms, rearranging their seating, looking at student' data and deciding what to reteach... 

Because of demands and pressures being placed on educational leaders, most of the days that my students were home, I was undergoing professional development. I was not getting work done. Some of the PD was helpful. Some of it was not. Sometimes I had to drive to another school. Sometimes I had homework from said professional development session. Sometimes it felt like it was merely an activity that was implemented in order to check a box, not something that was designed to be truly relevant or helpful. 

Snow days? Many teachers spend most of the day catching up on work. Yes, they're in their pajamas watching Netflix, too, but they're basically e-commuting and working from home. 

Summer? Y'all, last summer when I was 8-9 months pregnant, I was up at work every.single. week creating my maternity leave lesson plans. Or I was at a three-day conference at a college in the middle of nowhere. Or I was attending a training on trauma informed care. Or I was taking a college class in order to get points to renew my license. Or I was meeting with teacher friends and planning lessons. So yes, teachers get the summers "off" (even though technically we're not on contract during that time), but most of us aren't really "off." 

Myth #4: Criticizing the education system or aspects of it means the teacher is unsupportive or undedicated. 

I don't know of any job, work environment, or employee who is perfect. As teachers, we are constantly asked to self-reflect. We are constantly evaluated, both formally and informally. Last year at my school, we had to videotape ourselves twice and reflect on our teaching. 

So if teachers are open to growth and self-reflection and criticism from others, why are we not allowed to offer suggestions on how to make our schools better places? Why are we afraid to speak up and offer suggestions? 

From what I've heard in talking to other teachers from all around the country, it's hard to get people to take teachers' suggestions seriously. We're expected to just sit down, shut up, and do what we're told. Nevermind that WE are the people on the ground implementing everything that the higher ups want us to. 

Schedule changes? Run those by your teachers-- I'll bet we'll think of variables that weren't thought of by those not in the classroom, saving headaches the first few weeks of school. 

Budget decisions? Those in power should consider asking their teachers for feedback on what would really benefit the students (not just the latest bells and whistles, but actual meat and potatoes of teaching). 

Morale problems? Ask teachers what would help create a more positive work environment.


And then those listening have to be open to what the teachers say. Listen with open ears and an open mind. Don't be immediately dismissive. Don't scoff at the teachers and say, "You don't understand what's going on at a higher level and why that's not possible" (even though that may be true). Reflect their thoughts and feelings, acknowledge that they make a good point, and say it will be considered. Make teachers feel heard. 


The reason I'm writing about the toxic environment of our education system nowadays isn't because I hate teaching, or administrators, or central office, or public school. 

It's because the opposite is true.

I love teaching so much. 

I love the people I worked with, the students I was blessed to influence, the process of learning. The seven years I spent in the classroom were some of the most fulfilling and wonderful years of my life. 

I love it so much that I can't stay silent anymore out of fear (which is what I did for seven years because, let's be honest, there are consequences when you speak out). 
I can't be complicit in a system that's harming our young people and the ones who instruct them through wasting resources, implementing harmful policies, reducing both teachers and students to test scores, failing to build positive school cultures, and more. 
I can't, with a clean conscience, stand by and watch the state of education deteriorate year after year after year. 

So, this post wraps up my Toxic Teaching blog series. I'm sorry I didn't get to everything. But I did address
-Discipline
-Students not trusting their teachers 
-Parents not trusting teachers  
-Society not trusting teachers 

And I may come back to this topic someday, because truth be told, there's a lot more to say. 

But until then, just know that I believe in education. I believe in our students. I believe in the teachers who are the boots on the ground every.single.day, fighting for our kids, praying over them, hugging them, crying tears over them, losing sleep over them. 

Keep fighting the good fight. I may not be with you in the classroom anymore, but I'm always with you in spirit. You're the real MVPs.