Mesh Underwear and Dirty Diapers

My husband has never been one for grand romantic gestures. I'm pretty sure he didn't buy me flowers until five years into marriage, and even then, I think I had to specifically tell him to do so explicitly. I used to get jealous of women whose Prince Charmings scattered rose petals all over their houses and drew candlelit bubble baths for them.

Now? I don't give a rat's fart about flowers, bubbles, or candles.

Want to know what's romantic?

A husband who rubbed my sore, aching back every night during the third trimester of pregnancy. Even after he had worked a 12-hour shift. Without complaining.

A husband who rubbed my back during labor, sprayed me with hot water during contractions to help relieve the pain, held up my Harry Potter Tervis cup between contractions so I could stay hydrated, and held up my leg as I pushed and pushed and pushed with all my body weight to bring our daughter into the world.

A husband who held the barf bag while I bounced on a  birthing ball during labor and had contractions and vomited.

A husband who waited to eat his own dinner and fed my dinner to me in the hospital (and after) because I was CONSTANTLY nursing our baby girl. He only made airplane noises one time...

A husband who helped me pull up my totally unsexy mesh underwear after my first shower so I wouldn't rip my stitches

A husband who changed almost every diaper in the hospital.

And perhaps most romantic of all, a husband who said "I'll take her for the night. You go get some sleep." Literally the most beautiful words I've ever heard uttered from his lips.

It's incredible how our definition of "love" keeps growing and expanding. When we first started dating, it was long distance because he was off at college. I was 17 and in high school. So "love" was trusting each other, late night AIM conversations, and holding hands at church. Then it was saying "I do" and me giving him time to play computer games and him understanding my Starbucks addiction and us holding each other crying after the loss of a grandparent or a child.

And now, he has seen me at my absolute most vulnerable. There is something so raw and primal about childbirth (or at least there was for me), and that's just the beginning of the painful vulnerability. The early newborn days brought out the worst in me. I basically went three days in a row with no sleep. As I've share before, breastfeeding was incredibly painful. And, of course, my hormones were wackadoodle.

But this incredible man has loved me and our daughter with a tender, steadfast love. It's overwhelming. He is the perfect example of what Christ's love looks like in a marriage. He is the perfect example of what a respectful man looks like in a  relationship, and he is going to show our daughter how a woman should be treated.

Now...if only he didn't like the Redskins...

Boobs Are Food, Not Friends

I cringe when I see blogs titled something like "Ten Things No One Told Me About Breastfeeding." Girl, maybe no one told YOU...but maybe you didn't ask the right questions, talk to the right people, or read the right books.

I knew breastfeeding would be hella hard. Other people told me, and I did lots of reading and research. I took a class. And I'm so thankful for these many resources because without them, I feel certain I would've quit by now. I was mentally prepared, and it is STILL the hardest thing about being a mom so far.

I have always wanted to breastfeed. The research I've done is pretty clear about its benefits for baby and for mom. I'm not going to get into a "breast is best" or "fed is best" debate here, but for ME, breastfeeding was SO important. I did my very best to educate myself so our breastfeeding journey would be successful because I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a quitter.

Well, the first five or six days of breastfeeding almost turned me into a quitter. And here at almost six weeks, there are still days I consider it, if I'm being perfectly honest.

When our little girl was born five and a half weeks ago, she breastfed pretty successfully from the beginning. On night two, she clusterfed like a boss (I literally fed her the entire night at the hospital). The next day, it looked-- and felt-- like I'd dragged my nipples through the Amazon River and let piranhas feast on them. Cracked, bleeding nipples that stung when they came into contact with cloth. Or water. Or air. 

See, I knew how latching was SUPPOSED to work. I'd watched videos and practiced with a baby doll. But the baby doll didn't have hands that flung into its mouth or dragged razor sharp nails across an already bleeding nipples. I suspected something was wrong with Katherine latch, but when the hospital lactation consultant watched her, she commented that everything "looked good" and that I was likely just experiencing pain because Katherine's mouth was still small. 

Maybe true... but by the time I got home, nursing was so painful that I found myself thinking I'd rather go through unmedicated labor again. Because at least with labor, the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn't recommend you stay in labor for a year.

Here's what I did on my own to try to relieve the pain:

-Ibuprofen every eight hours (and y'all know I HATE medicine. And swallowing pills)

-Watching tons of YouTube videos to correct her latch

-Lanolin

-Hydrogel pads (which I low key HATED because you have to rinse your boob off before you feed again, and that took time, and the water stung) 

-Rubbing breastmilk on the nipples and air drying them
-Reading kellymom.com (best breastfeeding resource I've found)
-Begging Katherine to stop using my nipples as a chew toy...you're not a puppy, little girl. 

But despite my best efforts, my snorting, starving newborn still managed to cause me immense pain every single time she latched. I cried--we're talking BAWLED-- at least 50% of the times I nursed- a mixture of pain, frustration, exhaustion, and hormones. 

Finally, I decided to reach out and get some help. Three things have salvaged our breastfeeding journey: a lactation consultant, Newman's prescription nipple cream (which we had to get through a compounding pharmacy, and the chiropractor. 

1) Lactation consultant. We met with a fabulous doula-recommended lactation consultant when Katherine was only a week old. I'm so glad I didn't wait any longer. She came to our house and helped me get our sweet pea to latch. 

Admittedly, Katherine is a bit of a show off already and latched perfectly for the LC the first freaking time. Seriously, kiddo? It was a little harder to get her to latch deeply after the LC left. BUT having someone come in person and show me what to do was a thousand times more helpful than any YouTube video or book I'd read. The LC also followed up with me several times after her visit. Having some in-person support was so encouraging.

2) Prescription nipple cream. I wish I'd left the hospital with this prescription in hand. We had to have it called in to a compounding pharmacy, and it cost over fifty bucks, but it was so worth it. I don't know what's in this stuff, sometimes known as "Newman's Nipple Cream" or "APNO". Maybe it's unicorn dust or the tears of a leprechaun. Just kidding; here's the list of ingredients. I am CONVINCED using this stuff is the only reason we haven't had thrush or an infection, considering my boobs had open wounds on them for a week.

3) Chiropractor. The amazing chiro I saw throughout my pregnancy (who performed Webster's technique on me and made sure my body was all aligned and ready to give birth) saw Katherine. She noticed a couple things that might be affecting her latch: Katherine's neck is a little tight, especially moving to one side in particular. Her neck is scrunched up and her shoulders are a little tense. And her occipital bone is slightly caved in. None of these things are irregular for a newborn- apparently they can happen in utero or during pushing.

Anyway, Dr. Anna gently adjusted Katherine (as much as she would let her) and her latch was immediately better. Not a 10/10 but like a 7/10. And we're going back in a few weeks. 

Our chunky milk fiend shortly after her arrival. 

I'll be honest- her latch is still not great. Sometimes it's better than others. BUT it is INFINITELY better than it was when she was chewing on my nipples like they're Hubba Bubba bubblegum.

And me? I may not love breastfeeding the way a puppy loves his or her owner. I might not get excited when Katherine snorts and root and starts her heavy rapid breathing that says, "I'm hungry, Mom! I'm trying to gain five pounds a week so I can be a sumo wrestler someday!" I'm still having vasospasms.

BUT... I am amazed that I have sustained this little girl the way God intended. I am in awe of how content and sweet she is when she's eating. I love when she latches on and sighs serenely, covering her chubby cheeks with her tiny hands and closing her eyes in bliss.

So if there are "things no one told you about breastfeeding," I'm sorry- but even knowing all the things like I feel I did, it was still SO hard. Kudos to you mamas who stick with it! I hope I can be one of you!