Thursday, March 14, 2019

My Toddler Tells Me "No," and I am Here for It

She's finally learned the "n-o" word.
And I have to remind myself that THIS IS GOOD.
She is learning autonomy. She is expressing boundaries. She is her own person.

THESE ARE GOOD THINGS.

This is a milestone in her development, a way for her to feel independent.

THESE ARE NECESSARY THINGS.

This is an opportunity for us as parents to practice listening to, validating, and acknowledging her opinions without giving in and caving to her.

THESE ARE HEALTHY THINGS.

"No" is a healthy, positive word. It's what I want her to say if someone tries to slide a hand up her shirt.
Or offer her a drink.
Or drive her home after they've been drinking.
Or show her porn.
Or ask her to send nudes.
Or a million other less-than-desireable and potentially dangerous and deadly behaviors.

No.
NO.
NO. 

She will not be able to say "no" to those big things if we don't let her practice saying "no" to the little things.

No, you don't have to give hugs if you don't want to. I don't care if it's grandma or the nice old man at church or your cousin or your friend or even Mommy or Daddy. We respect your body, and you can say "no" if you feel uncomfortable.

No, you don't have to wear that shirt I picked out. Pick out your own (weather-appropriate) shirt, even if it doesn't match. It's not the end of the world. It's a shirt.

No, you don't have to eat any more if you aren't hungry. That doesn't mean you get a cookie or junk food. But it's your body. We offer you healthy food, and you decide how much you're going to eat.

No, you don't have to be happy and agreeable all the time. We don't even expect that of adults! I will help you through your big feelings. I will parent you through your disappointment and anger and frustration and sadness. I will teach you emotional intelligence. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion. We'll work on processing your feelings together.

I can hear some of y'all right now: "You're letting your kid run your life," and "You're the boss of her. The authority. This is why kids have no respect anymore-- they do whatever they want."

That is absolutely not what I am saying.

There are four types of parenting styles:
1) Authoritarian: strict, controlling, rigid, demanding but not responsive
2) Permissive: indulgent, lenient, accommodating, responsive but not demanding
3) Uninvolved: neither responsive nor demanding
4) Authoritative (the ideal): both demanding AND responsive, seeking to retain authority while also being responsive to kids' desires and needs


Setting boundaries and having age-appropriate expectations and offering choice (when possible and appropriate) and respecting personhood is not permissive. It doesn't mean I'm not her God-given authority. It doesn't mean I am raising a rebellious hooligan who will be wreaking havoc on society (although eventually kids make their own choices and we can't control them, so talk to be again in 15 years).

Respecting my daughter's "no" is me not wanting to raise a people pleaser.
It's me wanting a child who thinks for herself.
Who has a healthy respect for authority, NOT a blind allegiance to it (do you know how often an imbalance of power is present in abuse situations? Way too often)
Who is confident in her convictions
Who engages in healthy conflict instead of avoiding it at all costs.
Who feels comfortable sharing her true, authentic self because she knows I will love and accept her for it, even if our opinions differ, because she is her own person.

"No" is good. "No" is healthy. And it's my job to help my daughter develop her "no" by keeping the end game in sight. Parenting isn't about raising compliant, robotic little cherubs. It is about raising respectful, functional, capable adults.