Several months ago, I went to Chick-fil-a with my toddler and another adult. We were all finished eating, but we adults wanted to stay and chat. Of course, my toddler had other plans-- her chicken nuggets were gone, so she wanted down from her high chair. So, I walked her over to the enclosed playground area, opened the door, and went to follow her in. She pulled the door shut, waved "bye" to me, and went off to play on her own. I'm not exaggerating; she was ridiculously and painfully independent, even at 18 months old.
I shrugged, sat back down a few feet away, and watched her through the floor-to-ceiling glass windows. There was one other child and his mother in there. My toddler played happily and independently for almost twenty minutes, with me watching her from a few feet away the entire time.
I give kudos to that other mom. Because she saw my toddler. A look of alarm and confusion crossed her face as she started glancing around. I waved to her through the glass and smiled, and she didn't really react. When she exited a few minutes later, she didn't say anything to me. Maybe she wanted to. Maybe she thought I was a bad mom or that I was negligent and irresponsible. Maybe she didn't want to say anything and had no opinion of me.
But I give her kudos for not saying anything because many people in our society, especially those who are from older generations, just can't help themselves when it comes to judging moms (especially new moms) and offering their unsolicited opinions.
Here is why I don't think offering unsolicited advice to parents, especially new moms, is wise or helpful:
1) People often don't know the whole story. I may share with you that I'm tired because my baby isn't sleeping, but that's not an invitation for you to tell me how you sleep trained your baby. I may divulge that my baby doesn't seem to like any solid foods, but that's not a green light for you to tell me to put cereal in my baby's bottle like you did with your kids.
Just because I shared one tidbit of information with you doesn't mean you're fully equipped to offer advice because you don't have all the necessary information. So unless I specifically request advice or feedback, it's usually best if you smile and say, "That sounds really hard. You're doing a great job. You'll get through this." That makes new moms feel so loved and supported. And who knows? Maybe then we'll share some more details and ask you for advice. But until you know the whole story, it's usually best to keep your opinions to yourself, lest you leave a mom feeling frustrated and defeated.
2) Advice-givers make it about themselves. Most of the time when a mom shares with you that she is tired, that she hasn't washed her hair in six days, that she hasn't made it out of the house in a week, it isn't to get advice about how to manage her time better. It's to vent. It's to get support and empathy.
So when you chime in with advice, instead of being an active listener who reflects what the new parent is feeling, you invalidate the parent who's confiding in you. You also make the situation about YOU instead of about the mom, and that's just plain selfish.
3) People have lost perspective. I know, I know-- the newborn stage is so sweet, the cuddles are amazing, the complete reliance this tiny human has on their parents is beautiful and pure. But when a parent is wading through the newborn fog, they don't need people who don't remember what that was like saying things like, "Cherish every moment. It goes so fast." I used to really struggle with that.
Cherish EVERY moment? Even the two hours I'm holding a screaming newborn, noise canceling headphones on my ears, pacing up and down the hallway, counting my steps to make the time pass? Even the times when it takes my infant twenty minutes to latch on to my bleeding, cracked nipples, and she is screaming because she's hungry and frustrated, and I'm bawling because I'm in pain and haven't slept in 48 hours and am wearing an adult diaper and am dealing with family drama and am adjusting to changing hormones?
If it's been a few years since you've had an infant, try to remember you're looking back through rose-colored glasses. Yes, the newborn months can be very sweet. They can also be hell on earth. They can test even the most saintly parent's patience and sanity. It's important to acknowledge that when you're talking to a parent who's in the weeds.
4) Every situation feels like a lose-lose. I'm either too protective or not careful enough. If I ask someone to sanitize their hands before holding my newborn, I get an eye roll and a laugh: "Don't you know they need to be exposed to germs to build their immune systems? They're going to be exposed to germs at the sitter or church nursery anyway!" If I DON'T ask someone to sanitize their hands, I'm met with gasps: "You let your friend's filthy petri dish hands hold your baby? Don't you know it's flu season?"
If I put my baby in her crib to sleep, I'm not connected enough to her and I'm being cruel by making her sleep alone. If I let her sleep in bed with me (even while practicing Dr. James McKenna's safe bed-sharing practices), I'm endangering my baby and I might smother her to death accidentally and I'm a bad mom.
If I go back to work and leave her in daycare or with a sitter, I'm putting work first and letting someone else raise my child. If I stay home with her, I'm giving up my career and being too child-centered.
If I let her run up and down the aisles at the grocery store to get out energy, I'm permissive and don't know how to discipline her. If I expect her to sit quietly in the cart, I'm overbearing and have unrealistic expectations.
Someone will always disagree with decisions I make as a mom. And if you're one of those people, sometimes it really is wisest to just keep your mouth shut. Because trust me: I am probably stressing about every decision. I try to keep my cool, but in the back of my mind, I know that I am being judged by someone for every little decision I make. I try not to let it bother me. I try to have confidence. I try to go with my gut and do my research and project confidence. But the constant judgment and comments are really demoralizing. Don't be someone who adds to that noise.
New moms are often seen as overprotective. But if you read any news story EVER on social media about any sort of accident that happened to a child, people are quick to jump all over moms for being negligent: "Don't people supervise their kids anymore? This would never have happened to MY kid."
Really, Nancy? You never took your eyes off your toddler to switch a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher? They never ate something they weren't supposed to, escaped from an area you thought you had child-proofed, stuck a toy up their nose, or got into something you thought was locked up? Ever?
I doubt it. Because you're human, and your child is human, and we do human things.
If you think I'm overprotective, that's fine. But you don't need to tell me that. And you certainly don't have a right to argue with me when I'm protecting my child. Let me put her in her car seat-- they've changed since you've had kids. Sanitize your hands-- have you ever seen photos or videos of infants with RSV or the flu? What I say goes because I am her mother.
And if you think I'm being too lax with my kid, you don't need to say anything. Unless my kid is in immediate danger or it is truly a safety issue and not just a matter of preference.
But if you do decide to say something, make sure you are gracious and compassionate. Rearing a child in this day and age is hard. People are quick to put parents on blast, to judge them, to comment on their parenting techniques on social media.
That mom who is trying to strap her screaming child into the cart at Target is probably sleep deprived and stressed. It's none of your business that she didn't wipe the shopping cart handles down-- not your place to say anything. It's not your business to comment on my vaccination choices, the fact that my kid doesn't always eat organic grass-fed beef and everything non-GMO, the fact that my kid doesn't always wear a jacket or socks, how much screen time I give my kid, where my kid sleeps, etc.
Of course these are all important issues. Of course they're all somewhat controversial. And you and I might disagree about the choices I am making for my kid.
But please remember: it is not your child. So unless you are asked for advice, it is best to refrain.
I'd love to see a society that was more respectful of new moms. More gracious. More compassionate. Less judgmental.
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