Thursday, March 3, 2016 *one week before due date*
I saw the date "March 10th" pop up on my phone calendar because I have some sort of meeting that day...and I just about lost it on the spot. March 10th is my due date. Was. Was my due date. The day we should be meeting Lila Grace. I want to be nesting in preparation for her arrival- washing and hanging tiny baby clothes and packing my hospital bag (let's be honest; I would've already had that packed) and finalizing my labor playlist and...
Instead, I'm sitting on the couch, my fluffy gray blanket hugging me tightly, with Netflix on, staring blindly at the blurry figures sliding across the flatscreen, looking but not seeing.
Monday, March 7, 2016 *three days before due date*
For some reason, I hate playing volleyball right now, in that I hate that I am still able to physically play volleyball, because I SHOULD be nine months pregnant. And somehow when I'm on the court, it reminds me of that fact even more than at other times, I think because when I was pregnant this summer, I had to really be aware of it when I was playing (no diving, for example).
My acupuncturist said I'm not really supposed to play volleyball during this second half of my cycle, since there could be a fertilized egg trying to implant (his words). I need the outlet, though...
Tuesday, March 8, 2016 *two days before due date*
I hate that the next time I'll see my odd day students will be Thursday. I was originally going to take the day off, but then I thought about it: What would I spend my time doing? Sitting at her grave eating moose tracks ice cream and blowing my snot into my shirt sleeve? And that's not how I want to spend her due date.
So I decided to go to the place I love, the place where time disappears and I'm so busy playing classroom management whack-a-mole that I can't think about anything else: my classroom.
I am terrified that I'm going to lose it in front of my kids. I've already thought of all sorts of exit strategies. Their education shouldn't suffer because of my grief, although I am confident most of them would be sweet and supportive.
I've also been asking "Why?" a lot lately. Why can other people get pregnant so easily? Why can people who don't want kids or teenagers who aren't ready and are making unwise choices or drug addicts or smokers or alcoholics...why can they get pregnant? It seems like every day someone announces a pregnancy and I'm dealing with my own mixed feelings of elation at new life and the wonder of pregnancy and anger, frustration, and immense sadness. I usually consider myself to be an emotionally resilient person with appropriate coping skills and a strong support system, but I am falling apart right now, and I just don't know if I'll be able to keep it together Thursday.
I guess we'll find out...
Wednesday, March 9, 2016 *one day before due date*
Lord, thank you for providing encouragement to me today. It was in the form of a note from a student (along with a coffee tumbler that says, "With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible") and an email from a student thanking me for not giving up on him and a visit from an old student. I needed all of those things yesterday.
I am dreading tomorrow. It's hard knowing my arms, which should be snuggling a baby, will be empty tomorrow. It hurts.
Thursday, March 10, 2016 *due date*
Dear Lila,
I only had to step out of class once today. Not because I'm not sad...I'm crushed, empty, devastated, and aching to meet and hold you. But more because I know that wallowing in my grief won't bring you back. Being busy helped today go by more smoothly than I anticipated. I felt people's prayers and God's arms around me all day. Teaching my students made me feel useful, like life has a point, like I'm still being a "mom" (if that makes sense)... it helped, I think.
I'm so sad I won't get to meet you in this life. There's nothing more that I want right now than to hold you. I miss you (it's possible to miss someone you've never met, you know) baby girl, and I can't wait to meet you someday. Until then, enjoy heaven and say hi to Grandma and Grandpa(s) for me <3
