Monday, September 16, 2019

Ten Lessons I Will Teach My Daughters

I have always been kind of a tomboy and possessed many stereotypically "male" traits. Growing up, I much preferred kicking a soccer ball around a muddy field to playing ponies and house with the girls in my grade. My closest friends in elementary school were definitely the boys, and I've never been great at figuring out how to socialize with females, especially in large groups.

I'm sarcastic, and I don't really mind conflict (though as I've matured, I've tried to be mindful of engaging in respectful and healthy conflict). I've taken unpopular stances on issues. Although I might be somewhat emotional compared to my stoic husband, I am definitely capable of logical thinking, separating my emotions from a situation, and not getting sucked into other people's big feelings.

Then, take into account the fact that the particular  brand of Christianity with which I was raised taught that I had to submit to men, avoid being a leader in "mixed sex" settings, dress conservatively as to not cause men to stumble, and many more toxic and incorrect teachings. Things that directly violate not only a sound interpretation of the Word of God but also that contradict the very nature of who God created me to be: strong, independent, a leader, outspoken.

Given my personality and strengths/weaknesses, I always just kind of assumed that when I became a mom, I'd be a boy mom. 

But we have a little girl-- an amazing, funny, determined, kind, intelligent daughter. And just found out we have another little girl on the way!

After that ultrasound where we found out baby #2 is a little sister for our 2-year-old, I came to a realization: God is trusting us with girls so we can raise them in His word in the way we are being led to parent. 

This way of parenting includes
- avoiding corporal punishment, which I believe to be unbiblical and flat out wrong,
- teaching emotional intelligence, awareness, and health,
- engaging in respectful and positive parenting that emphasizes choices, autonomy, and boundaries, and
- deconstructing harmful human-created teachings of the evangelical church that are not at all what Jesus taught and that violate who Jesus is
We are also teaching our daughter other important things, like all the major Star Wars characters. 

To name a few.

So, with all of that in mind, here are ten lessons that I want to teach my daughters as we walk this path of raising them to be the women God created them to be:

1. Your body is strong and beautiful, and you don't need to conform to society's standards of beauty. If magazine articles or social media accounts you follow or even people you're around are sending messages that you're only beautiful if you are tan or thin or tall or have long legs or whatever, please feel free to avoid those.

God gave us our bodies, and we are to honor them and treat them well with good food and fresh air and exercise and proper sleep. But we are not to idolize them and work to create them into what society tells us is acceptable or attractive or sexy.

2. You decide who touches your body. Don't give hugs if you don't want to, to anyone, including Mommy, Daddy, grandparents, nice people at church, friends at school, aunts and uncles, and so forth. There will be some times for your health and safety that trusted adults will have to change your diaper, apply diaper cream to you, give you a vaccination, and so forth. Those tasks should be performed in an appropriate way.

Predators will often start with a casual touch-- on the arm, stroking hair, holding hands, etc.-- to desensitize their targets. And almost always, a person who sexually abuses a child is someone close: a trusted friend or a family member.

So I will ALWAYS support you when you do NOT want your body touched by someone. No matter who it is. I will stand up for you and tell an adult that you do not owe them a hug or a high five or anything. I will teach you to use your own voice to say "no" to any touch you don't want.
(Unless it's a safety or health nonnegotiable).

3. When people compliment you on your appearance, let them know you're more than your looks. Because yes, your dress might be cute and your bow might be pretty, but you are more than what you wear and how you look. So if someone compliments you, it's okay to say, "Thank you! I like my boots too. I also really like reading books about science." People often don't realize that when they speak to boys, they ask about activities and when they talk to girls, they comment on appearance.

4. You are not obligated to be nice to someone who makes your intuition or your gut uncomfortable. Period. End of story.

5. Never apologize for taking up space. You are on this earth for a reason. You have a right to exist, to breathe, to stand, to walk. Women apologize for things that aren't their fault-- save your apologies for when you truly need them, when you need to say "sorry" for doing something wrong or hurting someone. But if someone bumps into YOU at Target, you don't need to say you're sorry.

6. When people interrupt you, it's okay to firmly say, "Please let me finish speaking." Unfortunately as you navigate life, you will sit in meetings and on committees and in class, and you'll muster up the courage to share something only to be cut off, many times by a male. I've seen it happen (and it's happened to me) even in circles where folks claim to be progressive and feminist and dedicated to eradicating patriarchy and sexism.

It is okay to say, "I wasn't done with my thought. Please let me finish." It's not rude of you. It's not rude to be assertive. 

7. Getting angry doesn't make you overly emotional or irrational. Our society seems to view anger as acceptable for males but unacceptable for females to display. It also discourages boys and men from crying so they don't appear "weak," failing to recognize that (as Brene Brown teaches) vulnerability is, in fact, a sign of strength.

8. It is okay to refuse help when it is offered.  Especially by a male, when you didn't ask. Your safety is more important than his feelings.

In his book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, he says the following: "'No' is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. If you let someone talk you out of the word 'no,' you might as well wear a sign that reads, 'You are in charge.'"

So if you're loading groceries into your car and someone approaches you and says, "Here, let me help you with that," and you get uncomfortable, say "No." If they insist, ask yourself WHY they are SO insistent on helping you-- it's probably not for you. It's probably for them, and unfortunately, they may have sinister intentions. 


"No" is a complete sentence. 

9. Any person who asks you to send sexually explicit photos isn't worth your time and doesn't respect you.  And I can say this with the utmost confidence. I've known your father since I was 15, and no one respects me as much as he does. He respects my intellect, my opinions, my body, my heart, my emotions. And he has never ONCE asked me for anything I was uncomfortable with, including sending any kind of inappropriate picture. 

Also, they may use those photos later to blackmail you-- I've known young people whose inappropriate photos have been air dropped to an entire cafeteria full of kids. Or who've been told that if they don't do "x," then the person will post their photos on social media. 

And you don't need to ask anyone to send you inappropriate photos, either. 

10. Standing up for what you believe in will cause conflict and cost you something. 
In high school and college, it cost me friends and social status. 
In my adult life, it cost me job opportunities and letters of recommendation and potentially getting on the bad side of my bosses or authority figures. 
Call out a toxic work environment? Get told you can't work there in any capacity. 
Call out racism and sexism? Get scolded by your supervisor for rocking the boat. 
Stand up for someone who's being bullied? Get told you're "being too sensitive." 

But the truth is worth it. 
Doing what is RIGHT is worth it. 

So know that I will support you when you use your voice for what is right. It isn't easy. ESPECIALLY as a woman. We are expected to be gentle, docile creatures who never make waves, who are nice to everyone (which isn't the same as being kind, by the way), who just go with the flow and make everyone happy. 


Of course, there is so much more I'll teach my girls. But as I reflect on my journey to emotional and spiritual health, I realize that the ten lessons above have been monumental ones for me to learn (and, frankly, I'm still undoing some of the harmful teachings of my past and working on living out some of what I've written above). 

But if there is ANYTHING that will motivate a mama to change, to grow, to be strong? It's her babies. 







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