But today, I am going to get a little braggy.
Because this incident that occurred and what my daughter did gave me hope that maybe I'm doing something right (as an Enneagram type 1, I both think that my way is the right way but also, paradoxically, think that I am a failure at everything and do everything wrong).
That maybe I am on my way to raising an empathetic daughter with a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. An emotionally healthy young woman who won't need to heal from and recover from her childhood.
Because this incident that occurred and what my daughter did gave me hope that maybe I'm doing something right (as an Enneagram type 1, I both think that my way is the right way but also, paradoxically, think that I am a failure at everything and do everything wrong).
That maybe I am on my way to raising an empathetic daughter with a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. An emotionally healthy young woman who won't need to heal from and recover from her childhood.
Emotional intelligence and awareness has been a huge focus of our parenting thus far. We do our best to validate and reflect our daughter's big feelings. When she's having a tantrum, instead of telling her to be quiet and stop crying, we try to say, "Wow, you seem really upset right now. Do you need a hug?" or "You're really mad that I won't sing 'The Itsy Bitsy Spider' to you for the seven HUNDREDTH time. How can we help you feel better?" (TRUE STORY; she's obsessed with Itsy Bitsy Spider).
We especially love these two books: Little Monkey Calms Down and Calm Down Time (English and Spanish in one book!), and it's SO neat to see our girl take deep breaths or reach for a blanket to cuddle with when she gets, to quote the book, "sad and mad and angry."
We especially love these two books: Little Monkey Calms Down and Calm Down Time (English and Spanish in one book!), and it's SO neat to see our girl take deep breaths or reach for a blanket to cuddle with when she gets, to quote the book, "sad and mad and angry."
I am confident in our choice to talk her through her emotions and create safe spaces for her to feel big feelings because I've done so much reading and research on it and just feel in my gut it's the right choice. Still...I'm always a little bit nervous when KO starts having BIG FEELINGS and others are watching.
Because y'all know how people are.
They purse their lips, roll their eyes, sigh loudly, and generally disapprove of little people having any sort of feelings that aren't pure happiness. And some people see my reflecting feelings as "permissive" parenting (it's not, but that's a different discussion). As if I should spank them out of her (insert gigantic eye roll).
So recently, KO has really started to explore "happy" versus "sad" feelings. When she wakes up in the morning and I scoop her up from her crib, she often hugs me and smiles and says "happy! happy!"
And if a character in her book is frowning or crying, she has started furrowing her brows and saying, "Sad?" (Also, sometimes she thinks we are sad when we are laughing, so we are honestly still working on this one...she gets confused sometimes).
Hubby and I talk to her frequently about what to do if she feels sad or if someone else feels sad. "When you feel sad, you can ask for a hug or a blanket to cuddle with or take a deep breath or sing a song. When a friend feels sad, you can give a hug, if they want, or say something kind." Things like that.
I really didn't know she was picking up on it. But what we say matters, what we teach our kids matters, and they are listening to us and watching our examples.
A couple weeks ago, hubby took KO to Chick-fil-a for dinner. She heard a baby crying across the restaurant, and her ears perked up. "Sad? Sad? Hug!" And she stretched out her arms and started walking towards the crying baby.
Be.still.my.heart.
Be.still.my.heart.
But the most beautiful parenting moment I've had so far occurred at KO's cousin's birthday party. Her sweet cousin, who was turning three, for some reason decided that us singing "Happy Birthday" to her was very upsetting. I would say that it was our singing, but everyone in my family can sing in tune quite well ;) Our precious niece burst into tears and cried for the entire song. I felt awkward and didn't know what to do except try not to laugh and secretly hope that my sister would send me the video later.
But my little girl's eyebrows knit together with concern. "Sad? Sad?"
She marched over to her cousin and wrapped her adorably chubby arms around her.
And my eyes instantly welled up with tears.
She didn't care who was looking or what the occasion was. She saw someone who was upset and wanted to make them feel better. And I just thought, "Man, what if more of humanity had the pure innocence of children? No wonder Jesus says we must be like little children to inherit the kingdom of Heaven."
She didn't care who was looking or what the occasion was. She saw someone who was upset and wanted to make them feel better. And I just thought, "Man, what if more of humanity had the pure innocence of children? No wonder Jesus says we must be like little children to inherit the kingdom of Heaven."
Do I want KO to be smart? Of course.
Do I want her to be good at sports? That'd be pretty cool.
Do I want her to go to college and get a good job? If I'm being honest, yes, I do, although that's her choice, of course.
But y'all, what I really want more than that is for her to be a kind, loving, strong, compassionate person.
Because what's a 4.0 GPA if you're a bully?
What's an athletic scholarship if you treat others like garbage?
What's being homecoming queen if you belittle others?
What's winning the lead role in a school musical if you judge and exclude those who are different?
Because what's a 4.0 GPA if you're a bully?
What's an athletic scholarship if you treat others like garbage?
What's being homecoming queen if you belittle others?
What's winning the lead role in a school musical if you judge and exclude those who are different?
I'm ashamed it's taken me thirty years to TRULY grasp this concept, that it took me having a child to really set my priorities straight, to really understand what Jesus meant by loving your neighbors and being His hands and feet to the least of these. Having KO has made my heart both stronger and incredibly more tender.
There is nothing like realizing you are responsible for the moral and spiritual development of a human being to set your head straight.
And at the end of the day, not only am I trying to teach her, but I am also learning from this sweet little human. I'm reminded why we are encouraged to be like children. They are beautiful beings who can teach us much about the love of God.
And at the end of the day, not only am I trying to teach her, but I am also learning from this sweet little human. I'm reminded why we are encouraged to be like children. They are beautiful beings who can teach us much about the love of God.
People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
— Mark 10:13-16
