Four Reasons to Hold Your Tongue around New Moms

Several months ago, I went to Chick-fil-a with my toddler and another adult. We were all finished eating, but we adults wanted to stay and chat. Of course, my toddler had other plans-- her chicken nuggets were gone, so she wanted down from her high chair. So, I walked her over to the enclosed playground area, opened the door, and went to follow her in. She pulled the door shut, waved "bye" to me, and went off to play on her own. I'm not exaggerating; she was ridiculously and painfully independent, even at 18 months old.

I shrugged, sat back down a few feet away, and watched her through the floor-to-ceiling glass windows. There was one other child and his mother in there. My toddler played happily and independently for almost twenty minutes, with me watching her from a few feet away the entire time.

I give kudos to that other mom. Because she saw my toddler. A look of alarm and confusion crossed her face as she started glancing around. I waved to her through the glass and smiled, and she didn't really react. When she exited a few minutes later, she didn't say anything to me. Maybe she wanted to. Maybe she thought I was a bad mom or that I was negligent and irresponsible. Maybe she didn't want to say anything and had no opinion of me.

But I give her kudos for not saying anything because many people in our society, especially those who are from older generations, just can't help themselves when it comes to judging moms (especially new moms) and offering their unsolicited opinions.

Here is why I don't think offering unsolicited advice to parents, especially new moms, is wise or helpful:


1) People often don't know the whole story. I may share with you that I'm tired because my baby isn't sleeping, but that's not an invitation for you to tell me how you sleep trained your baby. I may divulge that my baby doesn't seem to like any solid foods, but that's not a green light for you to tell me to put cereal in my baby's bottle like you did with your kids.

Just because I shared one tidbit of information with you doesn't mean you're fully equipped to offer advice because you don't have all the necessary information. So unless I specifically request advice or feedback, it's usually best if you smile and say, "That sounds really hard. You're doing a great job. You'll get through this." That makes new moms feel so loved and supported. And who knows? Maybe then we'll share some more details and ask you for advice. But until you know the whole story, it's usually best to keep your opinions to yourself, lest you leave a mom feeling frustrated and defeated.

2) Advice-givers make it about themselves.  Most of the time when a mom shares with you that she is tired, that she hasn't washed her hair in six days, that she hasn't made it out of the house in a week, it isn't to get advice about how to manage her time better. It's to vent. It's to get support and empathy.

So when you chime in with advice, instead of being an active listener who reflects what the new parent is feeling, you invalidate the parent who's confiding in you. You also make the situation about YOU instead of about the mom, and that's just plain selfish.

3) People have lost perspective. I know, I know-- the newborn stage is so sweet, the cuddles are amazing, the complete reliance this tiny human has on their parents is beautiful and pure. But when a parent is wading through the newborn fog, they don't need people who don't remember what that was like saying things like, "Cherish every moment. It goes so fast." I used to really struggle with that.

Cherish EVERY moment? Even the two hours I'm holding a screaming newborn, noise canceling headphones on my ears, pacing up and down the hallway, counting my steps to make the time pass? Even the times when it takes my infant twenty minutes to latch on to my bleeding, cracked nipples, and she is screaming because she's hungry and frustrated, and I'm bawling because I'm in pain and haven't slept in 48 hours and am wearing an adult diaper and am dealing with family drama and am adjusting to changing hormones?

If it's been a few years since you've had an infant, try to remember you're looking back through rose-colored glasses. Yes, the newborn months can be very sweet. They can also be hell on earth. They can test even the most saintly parent's patience and sanity. It's important to acknowledge that when you're talking to a parent who's in the weeds.

4) Every situation feels like a lose-lose. I'm either too protective or not careful enough. If I ask someone to sanitize their hands before holding my newborn, I get an eye roll and a laugh: "Don't you know they need to be exposed to germs to build their immune systems? They're going to be exposed to germs at the sitter or church nursery anyway!" If I DON'T ask someone to sanitize their hands, I'm met with gasps: "You let your friend's filthy petri dish hands hold your baby? Don't you know it's flu season?"

If I put my baby in her crib to sleep, I'm not connected enough to her and I'm being cruel by making her sleep alone. If I let her sleep in bed with me (even while practicing Dr. James McKenna's safe bed-sharing practices), I'm endangering my baby and I might smother her to death accidentally and I'm a bad mom.

If I go back to work and leave her in daycare or with a sitter, I'm putting work first and letting someone else raise my child. If I stay home with her, I'm giving up my career and being too child-centered.

If I let her run up and down the aisles at the grocery store to get out energy, I'm permissive and don't know how to discipline her. If I expect her to sit quietly in the cart, I'm overbearing and have unrealistic expectations.

Someone will always disagree with decisions I make as a mom. And if you're one of those people, sometimes it really is wisest to just keep your mouth shut. Because trust me: I am probably stressing about every decision. I try to keep my cool, but in the back of my mind, I know that I am being judged by someone for every little decision I make. I try not to let it bother me. I try to have confidence. I try to go with my gut and do my research and project confidence. But the constant judgment and comments are really demoralizing. Don't be someone who adds to that noise.

New moms are often seen as overprotective. But if you read any news story EVER on social media about any sort of accident that happened to a child, people are quick to jump all over moms for being negligent: "Don't people supervise their kids anymore? This would never have happened to MY kid."

Really, Nancy? You never took your eyes off your toddler to switch a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher? They never ate something they weren't supposed to, escaped from an area you thought you had child-proofed, stuck a toy up their nose, or got into something you thought was locked up? Ever?

I doubt it. Because you're human, and your child is human, and we do human things.

If you think I'm overprotective, that's fine. But you don't need to tell me that. And you certainly don't have a right to argue with me when I'm protecting my child. Let me put her in her car seat-- they've changed since you've had kids. Sanitize your hands-- have you ever seen photos or videos of infants with RSV or the flu? What I say goes because I am her mother.

And if you think I'm being too lax with my kid, you don't need to say anything. Unless my kid is in immediate danger or it is truly a safety issue and not just a matter of preference.

But if you do decide to say something, make sure you are gracious and compassionate. Rearing a child in this day and age is hard. People are quick to put parents on blast, to judge them, to comment on their parenting techniques on social media.

That mom who is trying to strap her screaming child into the cart at Target is probably sleep deprived and stressed. It's none of your business that she didn't wipe the shopping cart handles down-- not your place to say anything. It's not your business to comment on my vaccination choices, the fact that my kid doesn't always eat organic grass-fed beef and everything non-GMO, the fact that my kid doesn't always wear a jacket or socks, how much screen time I give my kid, where my kid sleeps, etc.

Of course these are all important issues. Of course they're all somewhat controversial. And you and I might disagree about the choices I am making for my kid.

But please remember: it is not your child. So unless you are asked for advice, it is best to refrain.

I'd love to see a society that was more respectful of new moms. More gracious. More compassionate. Less judgmental.

Ten Lessons I Will Teach My Daughters

I have always been kind of a tomboy and possessed many stereotypically "male" traits. Growing up, I much preferred kicking a soccer ball around a muddy field to playing ponies and house with the girls in my grade. My closest friends in elementary school were definitely the boys, and I've never been great at figuring out how to socialize with females, especially in large groups.

I'm sarcastic, and I don't really mind conflict (though as I've matured, I've tried to be mindful of engaging in respectful and healthy conflict). I've taken unpopular stances on issues. Although I might be somewhat emotional compared to my stoic husband, I am definitely capable of logical thinking, separating my emotions from a situation, and not getting sucked into other people's big feelings.

Then, take into account the fact that the particular  brand of Christianity with which I was raised taught that I had to submit to men, avoid being a leader in "mixed sex" settings, dress conservatively as to not cause men to stumble, and many more toxic and incorrect teachings. Things that directly violate not only a sound interpretation of the Word of God but also that contradict the very nature of who God created me to be: strong, independent, a leader, outspoken.

Given my personality and strengths/weaknesses, I always just kind of assumed that when I became a mom, I'd be a boy mom. 

But we have a little girl-- an amazing, funny, determined, kind, intelligent daughter. And just found out we have another little girl on the way!

After that ultrasound where we found out baby #2 is a little sister for our 2-year-old, I came to a realization: God is trusting us with girls so we can raise them in His word in the way we are being led to parent. 

This way of parenting includes
- avoiding corporal punishment, which I believe to be unbiblical and flat out wrong,
- teaching emotional intelligence, awareness, and health,
- engaging in respectful and positive parenting that emphasizes choices, autonomy, and boundaries, and
- deconstructing harmful human-created teachings of the evangelical church that are not at all what Jesus taught and that violate who Jesus is

We are also teaching our daughter other important things, like all the major Star Wars characters. 

To name a few.

So, with all of that in mind, here are ten lessons that I want to teach my daughters as we walk this path of raising them to be the women God created them to be:

1. Your body is strong and beautiful, and you don't need to conform to society's standards of beauty. If magazine articles or social media accounts you follow or even people you're around are sending messages that you're only beautiful if you are tan or thin or tall or have long legs or whatever, please feel free to avoid those.

God gave us our bodies, and we are to honor them and treat them well with good food and fresh air and exercise and proper sleep. But we are not to idolize them and work to create them into what society tells us is acceptable or attractive or sexy.

2. You decide who touches your body. Don't give hugs if you don't want to, to anyone, including Mommy, Daddy, grandparents, nice people at church, friends at school, aunts and uncles, and so forth. There will be some times for your health and safety that trusted adults will have to change your diaper, apply diaper cream to you, give you a vaccination, and so forth. Those tasks should be performed in an appropriate way.

Predators will often start with a casual touch-- on the arm, stroking hair, holding hands, etc.-- to desensitize their targets. And almost always, a person who sexually abuses a child is someone close: a trusted friend or a family member.

So I will ALWAYS support you when you do NOT want your body touched by someone. No matter who it is. I will stand up for you and tell an adult that you do not owe them a hug or a high five or anything. I will teach you to use your own voice to say "no" to any touch you don't want.
(Unless it's a safety or health nonnegotiable).

3. When people compliment you on your appearance, let them know you're more than your looks. Because yes, your dress might be cute and your bow might be pretty, but you are more than what you wear and how you look. So if someone compliments you, it's okay to say, "Thank you! I like my boots too. I also really like reading books about science." People often don't realize that when they speak to boys, they ask about activities and when they talk to girls, they comment on appearance.

4. You are not obligated to be nice to someone who makes your intuition or your gut uncomfortable. Period. End of story.

5. Never apologize for taking up space. You are on this earth for a reason. You have a right to exist, to breathe, to stand, to walk. Women apologize for things that aren't their fault-- save your apologies for when you truly need them, when you need to say "sorry" for doing something wrong or hurting someone. But if someone bumps into YOU at Target, you don't need to say you're sorry.

6. When people interrupt you, it's okay to firmly say, "Please let me finish speaking." Unfortunately as you navigate life, you will sit in meetings and on committees and in class, and you'll muster up the courage to share something only to be cut off, many times by a male. I've seen it happen (and it's happened to me) even in circles where folks claim to be progressive and feminist and dedicated to eradicating patriarchy and sexism.

It is okay to say, "I wasn't done with my thought. Please let me finish." It's not rude of you. It's not rude to be assertive. 

7. Getting angry doesn't make you overly emotional or irrational. Our society seems to view anger as acceptable for males but unacceptable for females to display. It also discourages boys and men from crying so they don't appear "weak," failing to recognize that (as Brene Brown teaches) vulnerability is, in fact, a sign of strength.

8. It is okay to refuse help when it is offered.  Especially by a male, when you didn't ask. Your safety is more important than his feelings.

In his book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, he says the following: "'No' is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. If you let someone talk you out of the word 'no,' you might as well wear a sign that reads, 'You are in charge.'"

So if you're loading groceries into your car and someone approaches you and says, "Here, let me help you with that," and you get uncomfortable, say "No." If they insist, ask yourself WHY they are SO insistent on helping you-- it's probably not for you. It's probably for them, and unfortunately, they may have sinister intentions. 

"No" is a complete sentence. 

9. Any person who asks you to send sexually explicit photos isn't worth your time and doesn't respect you.  And I can say this with the utmost confidence. I've known your father since I was 15, and no one respects me as much as he does. He respects my intellect, my opinions, my body, my heart, my emotions. And he has never ONCE asked me for anything I was uncomfortable with, including sending any kind of inappropriate picture. 

Also, they may use those photos later to blackmail you-- I've known young people whose inappropriate photos have been air dropped to an entire cafeteria full of kids. Or who've been told that if they don't do "x," then the person will post their photos on social media. 

And you don't need to ask anyone to send you inappropriate photos, either. 

10. Standing up for what you believe in will cause conflict and cost you something. 

In high school and college, it cost me friends and social status. 

In my adult life, it cost me job opportunities and letters of recommendation and potentially getting on the bad side of my bosses or authority figures. 

Call out a toxic work environment? Get told you can't work there in any capacity. 

Call out racism and sexism? Get scolded by your supervisor for rocking the boat. 

Stand up for someone who's being bullied? Get told you're "being too sensitive." 

But the truth is worth it. 

Doing what is RIGHT is worth it. 

So know that I will support you when you use your voice for what is right. It isn't easy. ESPECIALLY as a woman. We are expected to be gentle, docile creatures who never make waves, who are nice to everyone (which isn't the same as being kind, by the way), who just go with the flow and make everyone happy. 

Of course, there is so much more I'll teach my girls. But as I reflect on my journey to emotional and spiritual health, I realize that the ten lessons above have been monumental ones for me to learn (and, frankly, I'm still undoing some of the harmful teachings of my past and working on living out some of what I've written above). 

But if there is ANYTHING that will motivate a mama to change, to grow, to be strong? It's her babies.