Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Stick a Needle In It


“First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”
We all know this schoolyard chant. In fact, in our original pregnancy announcement pictures from July, before the miscarriage, hubby and I wrote the chant out on a chalkboard. We even sat at the bottom of a tree while our photographer snapped shots of us kissing:


No, I am not pregnant. This is old, from July. See? Wasn't this cute? (Miss you, Lila Grace, and wish we were meeting you in March). Photo by Lindsey Martin Photography.
That chant is a lie. It makes it seem like love, marriage, and babies just magically and effortlessly show up, much like children believe gifts appear in stockings on Christmas morning. But love and marriage are work; they are choices, and they don’t just “show up.” And, for some people, trying to have a baby is work, too.

I didn’t think this would be my reality. Who does? After all, our sex ed classes (at least mine) didn’t teach us that “[e]ach month that she tries, a healthy, fertile 30-year-old woman has a 20% chance of getting pregnant” (www.asrm.org). Or that approximately one in six pregnancies end in a miscarriage (source: my OBGYN). They didn’t teach me anything about (TMI WARNING) cervical mucus or LH surges. Maybe it was mentioned in biology or something, but I don’t remember it.

Anyway…I got to the point where I realized that for some, the schoolyard chant doesn't play out, and the process of adding to one's family is a bit more clinical than romantic. So, after research and a friend’s recommendation, I started going to an acupuncturist last week. I walked into his office, which smelled kind of like a mixture of Icy Hot and hot tea, and immediately felt at ease as we discussed my health history. Here is what you would’ve heard if you’d been a fly on the wall  (I'll skip the part where we discussed my bowel movements and menstrual cycle):

Him: Would you describe yourself as even keel?

Me [snickering, then clapping a hand over mouth and clearing throat]: Uh, no way. I’m up and down, either all in or all out. Not even keel at all, much to my poor husband’s chagrin.

Him: Do you find it easy to relax?

Me [starting to think this guy is a comedian]: I don’t really do “relax.” I don’t like relaxing. I feel like I’m not getting anything done if I relax.

Him: I see. Ok. Have you ever tried yoga?

Me: Yeah. I tried it. But I hated it. It’s too slow and boring for me. I play volleyball like three times a week and run and do circuit training stuff at the gym instead.

Him: After your miscarriage when you didn’t conceive in the subsequent months, did you kind of take that as a personal failure? Type A people tend to do that.

Me [lightbulb moment]: Oh my goodness…yeah, I totally did. I felt like I was doing everything right, and I’m used to being successful and getting my own way and having things go according to my plan. And yeah, that didn’t happen with my pregnancy, and I tried not to but I did kind of take it personally. I’m still working on accepting that it was out of my control.
I think perhaps one of my biggest personal struggles and areas of growth and constant prayer has been dealing with the knowledge that there are people who do everything "wrong," like smoke, drink, do drugs, or who aren’t in a good or safe relationship. And they get pregnant and I have to unfollow them on Facebook.  [Acupuncturist smiles, but I'm being serious]. It’s just the way the world works sometimes, and yeah, honestly, it’s been hard for me to deal with.

Him: So, in addition to doing treatments to help with fertility, I really want you to focus on relaxing, especially in the second half of your cycle. That’s when it’s the hardest because people are always thinking, “Ah, I don’t know if I’m pregnant or not,” and people tend to get stressed about that. So I want you to find something creative to do during the second half of your cycle- or the whole cycle, really- some sort of creative project.


Me [making the "YIKES!" face]: Like…art? Because I’m terrible at art. Seriously.
My best "yikes" face.

Him: No, it could be music or cooking or journaling. Anything, really. In Chinese medicine, everything is a metaphor. So “creating” is a metaphor for “procreating.” But really, you just need to relax.

 So there it is, folks. God is still working on teaching me to relax and fall into His arms. To trust Him with the process. To accept that things will not go my way all the time, life is not always fair, and He is still in control. Every time I think I understand that, I’m reminded that I don’t. Daily I am giving Him my bitterness, my fear, my anxiety, and my unrest. Scratch that- MULTIPLE times a day.

 First comes love, which the hubby and I must constantly choose. Then comes marriage, which we continue to work at and commit to. Then comes a baby (in a sling or warp instead of a carriage, because I’m part hippie), in His timing when it is His will because He is good.

So- anyone up for any creative projects this month? Because my acupuncturist said so? ;)