Year Six: Like Chewing a Frozen Caramel

This year of marriage has been the hardest, I think
Like chewing a frozen caramel and trying not to get it stuck in your teeth.
You know it'll be worth it to keep chewing
It will eventually taste
Sweet

A year ago, we were dreaming
Boy or girl?
Star Wars or Dr. Who nursery?
Midwife or doula or both?
(We decided both)

A few months later, we were mourning
What would've
Could've
Should've

A year later, we're wondering
Why us?
 When will we become parents?
How?
     Biologically?
            Foster to adopt?
                       ... Not at all...?

There were nights I cried
And you didn't know why
And I didn't tell you sometimes
But you held me
Kissed my head
Held my hand
Pulled me in when I wanted to pull away

There were days I cried
And you knew why
And you couldn't help
But you held me
Kissed my hand
Held my gaze
Loved me when I was a skeleton consumed with grief,
Having nothing to give you in return.

Six years ago today, we promised to weather every storm
In sickness and in health
In good times and in bad
'Til death do us part
Love is patient, and kind, and humble
A ring is a circle because love never ends
Words easy to say but hard to live out
Marriage is hard sometimes

And this year, I understood why losing a child can drive couples apart
In spite of their vows, their love, their faith

So even though this year has been the hardest
It's also been the best.
Because we made it
And I love you more than ever
More deeply, more fully, more wholly.

Whatever God has in store for us, we'll face together
And that is enough.



Happy birthday, Harry Potter! Oh, and happy wedding day to us! July 31, 2010

And (about) six years later...

Quaker Quotes (Not Quaker Oats)

*July 22, 2016*
 Campus is quiet right now. The groups of boisterous teenagers (or maybe young adults...I'm getting too old; they all look like kids to me now) are gone, the other teachers who are attending this literacy conference are at their hotels or in their dorm rooms. Insects buzzing, birds chirping, occasional cars passing create the soundtrack to my quiet reading time.

Reading. I haven't been this into a book in...a while. I mean, I loved Reading in the Wild by my teaching idol (I use that term playfully) Donalyn Miller. But I haven't drowned myself happily in a novel in months now, I don't think.

I'm halfway through The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd and loving every minute of it. Set in South Carolina in the early to mid 1800s, The Invention of Wings follows two girls, Sarah and Handful or "Hetty," from childhood to adulthood. While close in age and proximity, they are worlds apart: Sarah is Hetty's owner, and Hetty is Sarah's family's slave. Sarah struggles with her feelings about slavery, rebelling against the idea of oppression and owning human beings but not quite sure what to do about it.

I came across this phrase a few minutes ago and haven't been able to keep reading since. It has lodged itself in my brain, like a splinter: "To remain silent in the face of evil is itself a form of evil."

Along with my obsessions with cats, coffee, books, Benedict Cumberbatch, and The Office, I'm quite intruiged by personality tests. If you know anything about Myers Briggs personality tests, it will mean something to you when I say I am an INFJ, also called "The Advocate." If those four letters mean nothing to you, here's a description of my personality type from 16personalities.com:

1. "INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in." Um, chya. Very strong.

2. "They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance." Although I recognize it's not always possible, I have to admit that deep down, I desire nothing more than for life to be fair. If it's not fair, I feel impelled to create fairness to the best of my ability.

3. "The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed. This becomes especially apparent when INFJs find themselves up against conflict and criticism – their sensitivity forces them to do everything they can to evade these seemingly personal attacks, but when the circumstances are unavoidable, they can fight back in highly irrational, unhelpful ways."
This explains why I get so defensive if someone disagrees with me about certain issues. Those beliefs are so integral to who I am that for you to attack the belief is for you to attack me. So I fight back. Because although I have thick skin about some things, I don't about others.

4. "To INFJs, the world is a place full of inequity – but it doesn’t have to be. No other personality type is better suited to create a movement to right a wrong, no matter how big or small." Ah, yes. The I can save the world mentality is indeed strong with this one.


So imagine me, a person with all these personality traits, reading this sentence: "To remain silent in the face of evil is itself a form of evil." A Quaker delivers this line to Sarah and, like me, the line (and the rest of the Quaker beliefs) cements itself into Sarah's brain, sparking further self-exploration.

I realize that, in many ways, I am Sarah. I am in a society that has innate injustice, and I benefit from it, most of the time. And sometimes, it's unpopular to speak out or to take action.

But as the Quaker says to Sarah, "God's way is narrow and the cost is great...do not fear to lose what needs to be lost."

So
...if me saying that black lives matter on social media loses me friends and followers, so be it.
...if me saying that women should be treated as complete equals in every aspect of life, including marriage and ministry, loses me respect or credibility, so be it.
...if me saying that abortion is wrong alienates me from you, so be it.
...if me saying that spanking is wrong causes you to roll your eyes and accuse me of not believing in "discipline," so be it.


Because those are things that I believe. And I won't apologize for them. I won't back down from defending them. My INFJ-ness won't let me. Because in each of those cases, I see myself as fighting against injustice and standing up for those who are being discriminated against, abused, and mistreated. And in those cases, I simply cannot be silent. It literally goes against the core of my being.

So yes. Sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble. But I sleep better at night erring on the side of speaking up and defending what I believe is just and good and true instead of remaining silent.

The Day the Rollercoasters Made Me Ill

July 16, 2015...

We'd been "trying" (lazily) for about three months. July rolled around, and as I always do during the summer, I lost track of time and days. I hung out with friends, watched Netflix, and read books all the time.

Hubby and I had just gone to Busch Gardens on Wednesday, July 15th, because I bought us season passes as a gift for his pharmacy school graduation. On our way to the park, I was SUPER hungry. Usually I can hold out, but I asked him to stop at Wendy's and get me a (probably not real) chicken sandwich and fries.

At the park, I rode one ride and felt kind of sick. I thought it was because I had just eaten a (probably not real chicken) sandwich from a fast food joint. So I rode another. Felt more sick. Had to close my eyes on the Darkastle ride so I didn't lose my lunch.

Finally, after three or maybe four rides, this rollercoaster fanatic admitted defeat: "I am so, so sorry, babe. I do not know what is wrong with me today :( I can't do anymore rollercoasters." Hubby, as always, was sweet and understanding. And we went home, me reclined in the passenger seat trying not to vomit.

I was annoyed- at myself, for not being able to tough it out, and at my body, for depriving me of riding rollercoasters, which I LOVE.

The next day, I hung out with my little sister, who had a 1-year-old at the time. I was talking about how we had been "trying" to have a baby for a few months and it hadn't happened yet and I (naively, I now realize) wondered if something was wrong with me, since it seemed to happen so easily for her and our mom.

"Don't worry. That kind of happened with us, too." Hmm. So maybe it was normal for it to take a few months? (I now know there's only about a 20% chance of conceiving every cycle, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine).

That got me thinking on the drive back home- how long had it been since my period? Like...five weeks? Six weeks? 

I stopped by CVS to pick up pregnancy tests, nervously smiling at the cashier whose bored eyes told me he didn't care I was buying pregnancy tests and I needed to stop being so awkward about it. I didn't think I was really pregnant, but it wouldn't hurt to test, right?

I got home and went straight to the bathroom- hubby was in his office with the internet guy.

I peed on a test...and it was positive. I was confused and in denial and really, really, really excited. Like, couldn't stop smiling excited.

I went to tell hubby goodbye before going to my running group. When running was over, I went straight to Walgreens to buy another test (a bundle of two). Armed with my two digital tests, I decided to go into Target to pee on a stick one last time. If it was positive, I'd buy hubby something cute to announce.

A little overkill on the tests, I admit. These are from July 16, 2015.

Positive. Super positive. So I purchased some white onesies and a card and a bib that said "I love my daddy" and put them all in a decorative box, along with a positive test. I remember it feeling surreal- all these years of dreaming about baby names and planning my natural delivery and researching how to make homemade baby food were finally going to come in handy! I would go to cloth diapering classes and find a doula and (let me do the math) the baby will be due in March, so I can probably just go out for the rest of the year and have SIX MONTHS at home with him or her before school starts again!

I got home and gave hubby the box. "It's just a little gift, a congratulations for finally getting your pharmacy license and passing your tests and everything." So clever.

 He opened the box and pulled the items out one by one, confusion spreading across on his face, eyebrows furrowing closer and closer together until it hit him. He jerked his head towards me and said, "HOLY... really? Really?" And I nodded, "Yes."

And that moment was perfect. 

As you all know, it didn't end perfectly. On August 27, we found out we'd lost the baby, and we haven't been able to get pregnant since then.

But today, I am choosing to dwell on how happy we were when we saw the positive test. How much hope and promise there was. How humbling it felt to know I was carrying a life inside of me.

Today, a year after that positive pregnancy test, I continue to dwell on the words of David in 1 Chronicles 16:11 "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." 


And so we do. Two lines or no two lines, we seek His face, His will, His plan, always.