Dear Future Me,
I started writing this letter in the middle of pregnancy and slowly added to it. Now, at almost a month post birth, I'm publishing it. I didn't want to forget the important things, the annoying things, the trivial things. It's amazing how quickly we forget experiences and feelings.
So, future me, in the years to come when you encounter pregnant women and new moms, keep the following in mind:
1) Don't touch pregnant bellies without permission. Enough said. Some women (you) don't really mind it. But some do. You wouldn't randomly touch some dude's beer belly, would you? Okay then- don't touch that future mom, either, even if your hand gravitates towards her belly like a child's hand to a cookie jar. Leave her be.
2) When you drop off a meal or visit, don't linger. Every minute you are in the house is one that the exhausted mother isn't sleeping, showering, eating, or doing something for herself. As much as you want to snuggle and see that new precious baby, it is not about you or your feelings. Drop off the meal (in disposable containers you won't need back) and quickly slip out. If you know the mom well, maybe do a load of laundry or the dirty dishes in the sink. Visitors are emotionally exhausting, and Mom needs to protect her new family first and foremost.
Don't impose, don't be pushy, and respect her wishes. It's not personal, and it's not about you- you'll get to meet that sweet baby later. Remember that the baby isn't on a schedule, so Mama may need to nurse or diaper change, and the longer you're there, the more likely it is you're disrupting the new family's flow. So be respectful of their time.
And always text or call before coming over!
3) Remember how hard nursing is. Remember the cracked, bleeding nipples. Remember the stress of trying to get a baby to latch (especially with people around or noise in the background). Remember the tears of frustration when a crying, hungry baby just couldn't latch successfully. Be supportive of your breastfeeding mom friends. Kindly and humbly recommend a lactation consultant, if appropriate. Tip them off the Newman's prescription nipple cream (a lifesaver). Remember they have a right to feed their baby whenever, wherever. Don't stare. Don't talk to mom while she's focusing on getting baby to latch. Let her nurse in peace.
4) Motherhood isn't a competition or pissing contest. You're no better than anyone because of your experiences or choices. Having an easy pregnancy doesn't make you less of a mom. Having a natural, unmedicated birth doesn't make you any more of a mom. Being able to breastfeed doesn't make you better than anyone.
It's not a competition, and all of us moms are just trying to do what's best for our babies. Support and uplift Mama. Tell her she's doing amazing because she is.
5) Getting Mom a gift card instead of a "real" gift is totally fine and probably very helpful. And always give a gift receipt and tape it to the gift. And remember that not all babies will even wear "newborn" sized clothing. And if the baby was born in December, buying newborn sized summer onesies isn't really appropriate.
6) Don't say, "Oh, you think you're tired now? Just wait." She knows she's not going to sleep after the baby comes. She doesn't understand yet, but don't rain on her parade. That's not what she needs to hear right now.
7) Don't forget about Dad. This is a huge adjustment for him, too, and he is tired and frazzled and trying to care for a wife and new little one. Support him, too.
8) Don't give unsolicited advice. Ask first. Don't be a condescending know-it-all. And if mom wants to share about her desire to cloth diaper or co-sleep or something else you don't agree with, don't criticize her.
9) Don't judge. Her baby, her choices. You don't have to agree with her. She's doing the best she can, just like you are.
10) Don't take what a new parent does personally. It's not about you. They're just trying to do what's best for their newborn. They ask you to wash your hands? They don't think you're dirty. They're just trying to protect their little one. They don't let you hold the baby? There's a reason. Maybe baby is super fussy. Maybe they are being protective. Their baby, their choice. Don't disparage her for being a first time mom. You were once, too.
I know these all seem SO obvious right now, but someday, future Christine, you're going to forget this stuff. When you do, think back to the first few sleepless, painful, emotionally exhausting weeks and remember that what you needed most was a listening ear, food that could be eaten with one hand, pumpkin spice lattes, sleep, showers, and brief hugs.
Love,
New Mommy Christine
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