The Day the Rollercoasters Made Me Ill

July 16, 2015...

We'd been "trying" (lazily) for about three months. July rolled around, and as I always do during the summer, I lost track of time and days. I hung out with friends, watched Netflix, and read books all the time.

Hubby and I had just gone to Busch Gardens on Wednesday, July 15th, because I bought us season passes as a gift for his pharmacy school graduation. On our way to the park, I was SUPER hungry. Usually I can hold out, but I asked him to stop at Wendy's and get me a (probably not real) chicken sandwich and fries.

At the park, I rode one ride and felt kind of sick. I thought it was because I had just eaten a (probably not real chicken) sandwich from a fast food joint. So I rode another. Felt more sick. Had to close my eyes on the Darkastle ride so I didn't lose my lunch.

Finally, after three or maybe four rides, this rollercoaster fanatic admitted defeat: "I am so, so sorry, babe. I do not know what is wrong with me today :( I can't do anymore rollercoasters." Hubby, as always, was sweet and understanding. And we went home, me reclined in the passenger seat trying not to vomit.

I was annoyed- at myself, for not being able to tough it out, and at my body, for depriving me of riding rollercoasters, which I LOVE.

The next day, I hung out with my little sister, who had a 1-year-old at the time. I was talking about how we had been "trying" to have a baby for a few months and it hadn't happened yet and I (naively, I now realize) wondered if something was wrong with me, since it seemed to happen so easily for her and our mom.

"Don't worry. That kind of happened with us, too." Hmm. So maybe it was normal for it to take a few months? (I now know there's only about a 20% chance of conceiving every cycle, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine).

That got me thinking on the drive back home- how long had it been since my period? Like...five weeks? Six weeks? 

I stopped by CVS to pick up pregnancy tests, nervously smiling at the cashier whose bored eyes told me he didn't care I was buying pregnancy tests and I needed to stop being so awkward about it. I didn't think I was really pregnant, but it wouldn't hurt to test, right?

I got home and went straight to the bathroom- hubby was in his office with the internet guy.

I peed on a test...and it was positive. I was confused and in denial and really, really, really excited. Like, couldn't stop smiling excited.

I went to tell hubby goodbye before going to my running group. When running was over, I went straight to Walgreens to buy another test (a bundle of two). Armed with my two digital tests, I decided to go into Target to pee on a stick one last time. If it was positive, I'd buy hubby something cute to announce.

A little overkill on the tests, I admit. These are from July 16, 2015.

Positive. Super positive. So I purchased some white onesies and a card and a bib that said "I love my daddy" and put them all in a decorative box, along with a positive test. I remember it feeling surreal- all these years of dreaming about baby names and planning my natural delivery and researching how to make homemade baby food were finally going to come in handy! I would go to cloth diapering classes and find a doula and (let me do the math) the baby will be due in March, so I can probably just go out for the rest of the year and have SIX MONTHS at home with him or her before school starts again!

I got home and gave hubby the box. "It's just a little gift, a congratulations for finally getting your pharmacy license and passing your tests and everything." So clever.

 He opened the box and pulled the items out one by one, confusion spreading across on his face, eyebrows furrowing closer and closer together until it hit him. He jerked his head towards me and said, "HOLY... really? Really?" And I nodded, "Yes."

And that moment was perfect. 

As you all know, it didn't end perfectly. On August 27, we found out we'd lost the baby, and we haven't been able to get pregnant since then.

But today, I am choosing to dwell on how happy we were when we saw the positive test. How much hope and promise there was. How humbling it felt to know I was carrying a life inside of me.

Today, a year after that positive pregnancy test, I continue to dwell on the words of David in 1 Chronicles 16:11 "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." 


And so we do. Two lines or no two lines, we seek His face, His will, His plan, always.