Honesty: I am scared to hit "publish" right now.
I have wanted to address this issue for a year.
But I didn't know if I should. If, as a white woman, my thoughts are even relevant. So, to anyone who's reading this, please hear my heart and know that this is written with the utmost thought, compassion, sympathy, and love. It is written with a burning desire for peace and unity. It is written with confusion about what to do, if anything, and how to help, if I can. It is written knowing that I am painfully ignorant and imperfect. I have so much growth still to do.
I mean, what right do I as a white woman have to be sitting here at my laptop bawling over this issue, one that isn't even "mine" to be upset over? By writing this post, am I "making this about me"? But if I'm not writing about my own personal reaction, am I then trying to write about something I don't understand?
Reading this poem gave me the final push to pen my thoughts and push "publish":
First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist.Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.
No, I'm not black. But I will speak up. So please hear my heart.
I watched the (sensitive) video of Terrence Crutcher's death. Someone's son. Someone's friend. A music student at a local college. A church goer who sang in the church choir. All I could think was, "My God, that could be one of my students."
When I was watching the video just now, I was thinking of my kids...
The ones who have accidentally called me "Mom."
The one who wants to be a computer programmer and has started teaching himself how to write code.
The one who told me, "When I grow up, I just want to be a better man someday. I want to have a wife and kids, and I just want my kids to be better than I am, because isn't that what every parent would want?" That kid is 16 years old.
The ones who hug their teachers when they see we are having a bad day or who offer to help us carry supplies in from our cars or who help us pack up our classrooms.
The one who told me he'd fight someone for me because another kid disrespected me.
The one who held and bounced my infant daughter at a basketball game.
...the list goes on. The majority of my students are people of color. Well over half. We have had some honest conversations about their truths and their experiences--the way society views them, the way they view the police, and so much more.
So, society sees a black man. The media writes the story of a man who "was no angel" or who "was not compliant" as if those two things are death sentences. They're not.
And damn it, watching videos of black men being shot dead by police makes me terrified for my students, and then it makes me feel pathetic for feeling scared, because I can't imagine how they must feel. How their parents must feel. While I can understand on a cognitive level, I can NEVER truly understand. I know that.
I do want to express a few thoughts that some people think are contradictory:
1) I am befuddled at the people who argue that "failure to comply" with a police officer's commands justifies killing them. I'm sorry, what?
2) I am confused by people who equate every single police shooting of every black man. They are not all the same. Oversimplification of a complex issue is dangerous. The details of each case are different.
3) I am dismayed by people who judge all police based on the ones who are racist or use excessive force. Police officers do so much good. Many of them do protect and serve. I am so thankful for them. I respect them, and I know they are valuable members of our community.
4) I am confused as to why we as a society are creating false dichotomies- I can only be "pro-black lives matter" or "pro-blue lives matter" but not both. That's very untrue, but I guess humans are more comfortable with simple categories instead of wrestling with complex, nuanced, layered issues.
So, I could blog about any of those points. But today, I want to focus on point number one: people who don't seem bothered by these deaths because they're too busy justifying them.
It disgusts, angers, outrages me when people, especially my fellow believers in Jesus, respond to the loss of life with excuses, justifications, and lack of empathy. "Oh, well he had a rap sheet." "Oh, well he didn't comply with officer's orders."
OK. Those things should still NOT be a death sentence. Where is your compassion? Your sympathy? Oh you who are so "pro-life"- are you only pro-unborn life? Because that is sure how it seems sometimes, to be quite frank with you. And that is completely inconsistent with the Jesus we Christians claim to worship and follow.
The taking of a life should never be done lightly. Ever. Life is sacred. We are made in God's image, each one of us, and the utter lack of sympathy is disturbing.
I could ramble forever.
I want to be an ally. A safe person. I don't know what to do or how to help. I don't even know if this post is "allowed" or "politically correct" in today's culture. But it's my raw, honest heart, and it's a part of my journey, and so I'm sharing it in faith that it will speak to someone, somewhere.
Jesus,
I am imperfect, but I long to be like You. Give me Your heart for people. Let me always see them through Your eyes.
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