Life is a Waiting Room

Life is like a box of chocolates.
Life is a highway.
A journey.
A game.

For me, right now, life is a waiting room. Waiting for signs and signals, nervously tapping my foot, hoping my body is ok and isn't broken, trying to pass the time by distracting myself.

Sometimes it's hard to stay distracted. I'll be at school in my classroom and randomly think, "I'm not supposed to be here right now... I'm supposed to be out on maternity leave...hmm..." But I wonder- like- AM I supposed to be in the classroom? Do those kids need me and whatever I'm giving them right now...? There have been a lot of awesome teacher moments lately. God knows I need them. There have also been REALLY challenging moments, like when two students write research papers on abortion................ok, I'll just stop there. Y'all know how incredibly pro-life I am.

The difference between God's perfect will and His permissive will is a topic that weighs heavily on me, like an overstuffed backpack, always kind of there but never at the forefront of my focus. I've kind of given up trying to understand what this whole miscarriage situation is. I've kind of just fallen into His arms and tried to trust him, tried to abandon my search for "the" right answer (which is hard for me, y'all).

And so I wait. For Him. For two pink lines instead of one. For summer. For the door of the waiting room to open. I'm not the one who opens the door, and for a control freak like me, that is h.a.r.d. to swallow.