Today I'm blogging from one of my favorite places ever: Starbucks. I know the drinks are overpriced (I have a gift card today). I know coffee isn't all that great for you (everything in moderation). And I know that the barista messed up my drink (I saw her pour nonfat milk instead of soy), but she looks like she is having a stressful day and they are understaffed, so I just smiled and thanked her. Everyone makes mistakes.
When I was in high school, I remember thinking that I was old, wise, knowledgeable, and mature. I remember looking at my friends and going, "What the heck are you thinking? You idiot!" when really, I was jealous of them for taking risks and being goofy. I was afraid of what people thought of me, afraid of not being perfect. I was afraid to make mistakes. To try something and fail. To not be good at something, like dancing or water skiing or playing guitar. I was afraid to raise my hand in class in case I said the wrong answer (this is something I should probably address in another post, now that I'm a teacher).
I am still awful at a lot of things. I am a slightly better dancer now, and I will speak up in class. But the difference between 16-year-old me and 23-year-old me is this: I am not as afraid to mess up.
Notice I didn't say I'm not afraid at all. I am. But I don't feel the need to punish myself over mistakes or to pretend I'm someone I'm not, most of the time. There is freedom and grace in Christ, not condemnation and shame. My self worth doesn't come from my abilities or talents or looks or any of that other stuff that used to matter so much, and sometimes still does. What's important isn't what I do, necessarily, but who I am. How I treat others. How I love others. How I serve and accept.
Someone who's taught me a lot about this is my sweet husband. He knows allnabout me, and he loves me unconditionally, really and truly. He is one of the kindest, most caring souls I have ever met, and I have become a more selfless person because of the way he has treated me. He reminds me that no matter what I do, he will support me.
And that, friends, is one of the greatest gifts of all. When we feel safe-both emotionally and physically- we are not so afraid to take risks and be ourselves. Knowing this makes me want to be a safe person to be around, too.
And now I'm out of coffee, so I bring this post to an abrupt and awkward end. But I'm not afraid because I know you will all love me anyway.
